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Movie Reviews:

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Continuing Grumbles

The good people at Blogger still haven’t fixed my blog problem. Well, I guess life must go on. Can’t let something like technical difficulties prevent me from talking to the vast emptiness that is my corner the intarweb.

What to talk about? I have some superhero-related news, but I think I’ll save that for the next post. For now, I’ll do a review of the movie I just finished watching.

The Duplicate (aka Deuces)

The Duplicate is a vaguely sci-fi thriller put out by Go Time Films. It’s written and directed by Michael Winnick, and stars Tiffany Paige, Trey Alexander, Nicholl Hiren, James E. Hurd, and more!

What, you’ve never heard of any of these people?

There’s a reason for that. You see, this is not the worst movie I’ve ever seen.

But damn, is it close.

The tag-line on the DVD cover says, “What would you do if someone was living your life better than you were?” The basic concept behind the movie, from what I could gather, is that because of a clerical error in Mayan calendars five thousand years ago or somesuch, every twenty years there’s a chance that people from an alternate universe will accidentally spill over into our own world. These people have counterparts in our world – duplicates look exactly the same, but are polar opposites when it comes to their personality. I can only assume this is the same Mirrorverse that anti-Kirk comes from.

I’m reasonably certain that the Outer Limits did something similar. Or perhaps Twilight Zone. Maybe even both. I’m also reasonably certain, without having seen such an episode of either of these series, that the television show was far better than the movie.

The story follows the trials and tribulations of Karen Addams, played by Tiffany Paige, a struggling and extremely ethical reporter who’s just looking for the break she needs to make it big. She visits a crazy theatre-owner as part of a story she’s investigating (passing up a chance to cover a bank-massacre by an irate accountant in the process), and ends up opening the door to the mirror world.

The co-star is Greg Johnson, played by Trey Alexander, who is actually the mirrorverse counterpart of the psychopathic accountant that committed the aforementioned bank massacre. Naturally, he’s as harmless as a fly, except when he’s in a fist fight, in which case he’s capable of tossing people through windows and rushing armed gunmen, but is helpless against a common garden hose.

The lighting was bad. The camera-work was dull, amateurish and uninspired. The script was terrible – I quite literally felt like retching at a few of the lines. This is not hyperbole – this is literal truth. True, it could have been aggravated by the Big Mac I’d just finished, but regardless it’s hard for me to be so disgusted with a line and its delivery that it makes me feel physically ill. I mean, I got through Showgirls without such a problem. Hell, I used to watch Anime on a regular basis (and I still do on a rare occasion), and I never had that problem.

It was a new experience for me. I’ll give it that.

Allow me to drive the point further home. You know the saying how if you chain a thousand monkeys to typewriters and have them punch keys randomly, given enough time they’ll produce all of Shakespeare’s works? Well, this movie had one monkey, fifteen minutes, and I'm pretty sure he was stoned at the time.

Did I mention the delivery? If the script was bad, the delivery was atrocious. I won’t say the acting was atrocious, because really there wasn’t any, there was just delivery. The so-called “actors” mostly just walked around and said the lines they were given, and what emotion they might have been expressing at the time seemed to have no connection with the lines themselves, nor the context surrounding the event. It was almost like a crap shoot, and the rare occasions that the line and the delivery matched appeared to be

With one notable exception. James E. Hurd, as Detective Howser, possesses acting ability head-and-shoulders above the rest of the cast. This does not make him a good actor. He’s not a good actor, at least not yet. Rather, he’s not bad. You could tell he wanted his lines to be good, and just beneath the surface you could see utter despair in his eyes as he wondered whether this would kill his chance of ever having an acting career. Instead, he just does what he can with what he’s given, which isn’t much, but at least it isn’t gut-wrenchingly painful.

I hope that he gets more work; I’d like to see if he could do better with a better script. However, I’m not glad he was in the movie. Having someone not incredibly horrible come on-screen for moments at a time just made everything else that much more unbearable by comparison. It’s like putting your hand on a hot burner, and then taking it off half a second before your nerves are permanently burnt away, so as to prolong the pain you feel when you put your hand back on the burner again a moment later.

Apparently, this movie is the 2002 Telluride IndieFest Film “Best Feature Film” winner. I’ll confess that I’ve never heard of the Telluride IndieFest awards before, and I’m thankful

I rented this movie on a whim. I was terribly bored and too tired to do anything overly constructive. However, now that I have brought this movie to the attention of a handful of readers, I grow fearful that this may pique some kind of morbid curiosity, the sort that might make someone go out and watch White Chicks or Catwoman or something.

Thus, I feel obligated to spoil the movie for you. I’ll choose to do so with my condensed/abridged script, that follows. Please note that, if you are in any way entertained by this work, this should not reflect on the movie in question.

THE DUPLICATE as translated by Jesse Roberts

OPENING: Scene opens with Old Man Jenkins yelling at his dog.

OMJ: You call that guarding the door to the mirrorverse? Bad dog! No biscuit!

Dog: Woof!

OMJ: *picks up shotgun* Well, I guess I’m gonna have to do this the hard way.

***OMJ walks off-screen, we hear a gunshot. He comes back in covered in blood.***

OMJ: Now it’s your turn, dog.

Dog: Woof?

***Scene switches to a cubicle, where the star, Karren Addams, is busily working at her computer. Enter the youngest editor-in-chief for any magazine reality has ever seen.***

Editor: Karen! I want you to go to cover the bank massacre that just occurred. It’s a hot story – see what you can find.

Karen: But, sir! I’d much rather continue my investigation of some obscure incident that occurred twenty years ago and that nobody but me cares about!

Editor: Well, it’s against my better judgement, but okay. *he walks off.*

Karen: I guess it’s off to see the crazy old man and work on my piece. But first, I’d better visit my obligatory oversexed sidekick, Amanda.

*She walks to another cubicle*

Karen: Hi, Amanda!

Amanda: Hi, Karen! I’m a terribly oversexed blonde! Let’s go out tonight and find men!

Karen: But I’m writing a book!

Amanda: A book about men?

Karen: No… A book about… Something vague and meaningless.

Amanda: It should be a book about men!

Karen: Oh, Amanda! You’re such a joker. You’re my single best friend in the whole world. I just want to make that clear because it’ll be important later on.

***Scene switches to the inside of a theatre, where Karen is interviewing Old Man Jenkins***

OMJ: I’m crazy! CRAZY! Wokka-Wokka-Wokka! *begins flapping arms around in the air*

Karen: I see. So, what do you have to say about the strange events that took place twenty years ago to the day?

OMJ: Blah, blah, blah, mayans and stuff. Blah, blah, blah, they’re coming soon. Every twenty years, you see, blah, blah. Hey, let me give you this ultra-important key to another universe for no particular reason. Did I mention I’m crazy?

Karen: Thanks!

***A police officer and what can only be assumed is a strangely young bank person arrive to evict Old Man Jenkins***

Officer: Evicted!

OMJ: Oh, no!

Karen: And now, I’ll open this door with the key I was just given!

***Karen is at a night club with Amanda, after work***

Amanda: That sure was strange, that Brad guy leaving you a message on your answering machine, even though you’ve never heard of him before.

Karen: He seemed to think we went on a date or something. How odd.

Amanda: Well, even though he’s a total stranger, you should call him up and talk to him. And then have sex, because sex is cool.

Karen: Oh, I couldn’t do that. Gosh, I wish I were more forward. But I sure am glad that you’re my friend, Amanda. Why, if you were tragically murdered somehow, I don’t know what I’d do.

Amanda: I agree. Hey, look -- Men! I’m going to go get sex! Yay, sex!

***Karen returns home only to find bondage gear inexplicably in her bedroom. Naturally, she calls the police. Enter Officer Putz and Detective Howser***

Officer: Bondage gear! Dude! *he puts on a leather mask and begins prancing about the bedroom*

Karen: Are you sure that prancing is standard investigation procedure?

Howser: *winces, can’t believe he’s saying this line* Er… Yeah… it’s vital. We need to, er, get inside the perv’s – I mean perp’s! – perp’s mind.

Karen: Well, if you say so. Now, about this break-in…

Howser: No, never mind about that. For some very odd reason, I’m going to belittle your fears at having someone set up a leather ceiling harness in your bedroom. Although it makes absolutely no sense, I’ll just proceed to ignore your concerns rather than take them seriously, while my partner plays with a dildo. Dear God, I don’t want to be in this movie.

Karen: I think that’s terribly unfair.

Howser: You think that’s unfair? I’ve actually got a bit of talent, unlike the rest of you hacks. Somebody, please shoot me. No, better yet, shoot my agent.

Karen: So, aren’t you going to do anything?

Howser: Sure. I’m drinking myself into a stupor as soon as I get off this set.

***New scene, in which Karen is at her cubicle, about to put in her day’s work after an extremely unproductive previous day***

Editor: Hey, Karen! Great story!

Karen: Story? I haven’t submitted any story.

Editor: Really, that was the best story I’ve ever read.

Karen: But I didn’t submit anything.

Editor: It was just so AWESOME! The BEST! I LOVE YOU!!!!1!

Karen: Can’t you hear me? I’m telling you, I didn’t write anything – I haven’t submitted any story to you yet! The Old Man Jenkins story was a bust!

Editor: TEH BEST STORAY EVAR!!  U R0XX0RZ!!!one!!!!

Karen: I DIDN’T SUBMIT A STORY YOU STUPID, STUPID ACTING-SCHOOL DROPOUT!

Editor: Keep up the good work! And take a few days off, because otherwise we won’t be able to feasibly explain your upcoming neglect to do your job! *walks off with his hands over his ears, singing “la, la, la, I can’t hear you”*

Karen: This doesn’t make any sense. Well, I guess I’ll go home. *she walks to the elevator and sees her duplicate*

Oh, no! That person looks exactly like me! I’m going CRAZY!!! Wokka-Wokka-Wokka! *runs off into the streets*

***Karen decides to return to Old Man Jenkins’ theatre. Next to a dumpster lies Greg Johnson, who has been sleeping in a muddy alleyway, judging by the unshaven face and unkempt hair. Despite this, his light blue shirt and tan trenchcoat are perfectly clean, as if they’d just come from the dry-cleaners.***

Karen: I wonder why I’m here?

Greg: Hi, lady!

Karen: Hey, you’re that mass-murderer that everyone thinks I helped catch by writing a story I didn’t write!

Greg: Yeah, that’s me, only I didn’t do it. And I’m hoping you’ll believe me, because you’re a complete stranger, and it’s the sort of things complete strangers do.

Karen: Could I just kick you in the nards instead?

Greg: Sure. Wait, I mean – *she kicks him in the nards. He drops like a sack of potatoes. She runs. He catches her. Police arrive and chase him off.*

***Karen returns home, had a water-balloon fight with the neighbourhood kids, and then goes back to work to talk with Amanda.***

Karen: Amanda, I need to talk to you…

Amanda: Oh, you’re talking to your oversexed blonde sidekick now, are you? I thought you wanted to snub me!

Karen: When did I do that?

Amanda: This morning!

Karen: I wasn’t here this morning. Look, I’m being impersonated by someone.

Amanda: Why should I believe you?

Karen: Well, look at this; I’ve just gotten a bill in the mail for a yellow sports car.

Amanda: So?

Karen: I don’t drive.

Amanda: Oh, yeah. Obviously, this has to be some sort of evil twin, then.

Karen: I’m so glad you’re my friend. So will you help me out by finding out stuff about the past that would be too boring for the audience if I were to do it?

Amanda: Well… I’ll be missing out on sex. And in case I didn’t make it clear, I really, really like sex. But, sure, we’re best friends and all.

Karen: We sure are! And I just want to belabour the point, just in case something horrible and tragic happens to you just before the climax of the movie!

***With Amanda’s help, Karen is able to discover the home of answering-machine Brad***

Karen: Hey, Mr. Brad, are you in? *There is no answer, so she decides to climb up the terrace and through the window, as any logical person would do when someone refuses to answer the door*

Brad: *brandishing gun* Crazy-bitch woman, get away from me or I blow your brains out!

Karen: I never expected you to react so hostilely to my breaking into your home! I’m shocked! Shocked, I say!

Brad: Leave me alone! I never want to see you again! You’re making me GO KEE-RAYZEE! Wokka-Wokka-Wokka!

***Karen returns to talk to Amanda and find out what she’s discovered***

Karen: Well, I guess I’ll never make it as a cat burglar. Did you find out anything interesting, Amanda?

Amanda: I sure did… It seems that every twenty years, a few people in this city will start claiming they’re being impersonated and their lives are ruined and stuff. The records of this goes back as far as there are records.

Karen: Wow… Is there anything common between the incidents?

Amanda: Nope, nothing whatsoever. Well, unless you count the single connection that they all have in common, which would be that theatre of Old Man Jenkins.

Karen: I wonder if this is somehow connected to my problem?

Amanda: It could be…

***The next day, Karen decides to have lunch. Mirrorverse Greg decides to join her***

Greg: Hey! You’re still pretty much a stranger, and even though you kicked me in the nards last time we talked, I’d like your help.

Karen: Well, okay, I’ll hear you out, even though I’m told that since your bank massacre, you’ve escaped police custody, killing two officers as you did so.

Greg: Someone’s impersonating me! This baseball glove proves it.

Karen: Me, too! Well, I’m convinced. We should team up to defeat the evil-doers!

Greg: Yes, we should! But be warned, I’m a shy, mousey individual who couldn’t hurt a fly. Plus, I’m really confused because there are things that are different all of a sudden – streets that are in this city that weren’t there before, and others that aren’t there when they should be. It’s like I’m from a different universe or something!

Karen: How odd. I wonder what it means? And I wonder if Brad knows anything about our duplicates?

Greg: I could go find out for you.

Karen: Would you? That would be swell; he won’t talk to me, because I guess where he’s from it’s rude to break into other folks’ apartments or something.

*Police spot Greg. They get ready to chase him.*

Greg: Whoops! Gotta run – I’ll meet you at Brad’s place.

*Greg runs off, being chased by police. The police follow him into a building and up a flight of stairs*

Officer 1: Hey… Wait a sec…

Officer 2: What is it?

Officer 1: We’re on the tail of someone who killed a whole bank full of people, was arrested, and then killed two cops as he escaped.

Officer 2: Yeah? So?

Officer 1: So, shouldn’t we at least have our guns ready? I mean, we’re not even taking them out of the holsters. Hell, we aren’t even taking our billy clubs out. Don’t you think it would be wise?

Officer 2: Actually, it would make a lot of sense to pull out our guns, demand his surrender, and fire if he refuses. Or, considering he’s a cop-killer and most of us cops tend to frown on that sort of thing, we could fire whether he surrenders or not. But that would be realistic. Do you mean to say that you’re looking for realism in this movie?

Officer 1: You’re right, I don’t know what I was thinking. Let’s just continue chasing him as we are.

*They chase him to the top of the stairs. He runs up a ladder and onto the roof.*

Officer 1: He’s on the roof now. There’s nowhere he can go. We’ve got him.

Officer 2: Wait! Let’s give him a few moments to figure out a way to get out of this situation.

*they wait, tapping their feet and checking their watches. Then they play a game of tic-tac-toe. Officer 1 wins. Officer 2 demands best two out of three. Officer 1 wins again.*

Officer 2: *grumbles, disgusted at having lost* Well, fine then! You go up the ladder first! Remember, don’t draw your gun or anything.

Officer 1: Right.

*They climb the ladder and find Greg nowhere to be seen.*

Officer 1: He got away somehow! Oh, no!

***Greg meets Karen at Brad’s place. She waits outside, he goes in to try to talk to Brad, and catches him just as he’s leaving***

Greg: Hi, you Brad?

Brad: That’s me! What can I do for ya, chum?

Greg: I’d like to ask you a few questions, if you don’t mind, about a woman named Karen.

Brad: KAREN!?!?!?!? YOU’RE ASKING ME ABOUT KAREN?!?!?!? YOU MUST BE WITH HER!!!! YOU DIE NOW!!!!!

*Brad punches Greg, who drops to the floor, then decides that getting up and chasing Brad is the best way to correct a misunderstanding. Brad runs outside, mows over Karen, and then is mowed over by a yellow sports car*

Greg: oh, my! Is he dead?

Karen: Yes. He’s very dead. And that car – it must have been my duplicate. The car’s insured in my name… Now she’s trying to frame me for murder!

Greg: I know that feeling.

***Greg and Karen return to her apartment. She notices his bloody lip from having been punched in the face***

Karen: Oh, my! You’re hurt! Allow me to fulfill a stupid action-movie cliché by helping you with your wound and then falling in love with you!

Greg: By all means.

Karen: Say, would you like to see something in my bedroom?

Greg: Sure. Are we gonna have sex now?

Karen: Oh, no, I’m much too shy. I could never do something like that; we’ve only just met, and I’m a good little girl.

Greg: Fair enuff. I’ll make sure to forget all about that later. What do you want to show me?

Karen: This key!

Greg: Hey, I have a key just like that. It was given to me by a crazy old man some time ago, and I hung onto it for reasons that I’d rather not explain at this time. Or ever.

Karen: Now, I’m going to go back to the theatre where I’ll talk with Old Man Jenkins. You stay here, because it’s convenient plot-wise.

***Karen returns to the theatre, where she finds Old Man Jenkins, apparently no longer evicted or something, standing guard with his trusty double-barrel shotgun. As soon as he sees her, he tosses her to the ground and points the gun at her***

OMJ: I’M A CRAZY OLD MAN! BOOGABOOGABOO!

Karen: Ah! I’m scared!

OMJ: Hmm… My duplicate-sense isn’t going off. Even though there’s no way I should be able to tell, I can sense that you’re not the duplicate. You may live.

Karen: Thanks a bunch.

OMJ: Yes, as you can see, this time I’m talking much more coherently. But I’m still a crazy old man.

Karen: Noted. So, about these duplicates…

OMJ: Yeah, they’re just like you, only opposite. And your duplicate wants to take over your life. Sooner or later, one of you is going to have to kill the other. No biggie. Oh, yeah, and your boyfriend Greg is also from the mirrorverse, not from here. I’m just pointing it out in case the audience has been too stupid to figure it out themselves up to this point.

Karen: *shocked* No!

OMJ: Anyway, you’ve got to go now. Back to being a crazy old man.

*Karen leaves. Old Man Jenkins babbles incoherently and fires some shots into the obviously empty theatre seats. Then, he’s shot from behind by persons unknown.*

***Meanwhile, back at the apartment, Duplicate Karren gets back and meets Greg***

Greg: Karen! You’re back!

DK: A-yup.

Greg: Did you find anything about the Duplicate yet? How did it go at Old Man Jenkins’ theatre?

DK: Er… not so well. Hey, Greg, I’ve got an idea… Let’s have sex now!

Greg: Sure! I don’t find that suspicious at all!

DK: Now let me lead you into the bedroom as I take off all my clothes in a desperate effort to make the audience feel uncomfortable by my aggressiveness. I’m a forward woman, and that necessarily makes me evil. My very existence threatens society as a whole. BWAHAHAHA!

Greg: That evil laughter isn’t suspicious, either!

DK: Now lie down as I show my boobs to pander to the all-important 13-30 male market.

Greg: Don’t mind if I do.

DK: Now, I’ll handcuff you to the bed.

Greg: Sure thing. Hey, is that an ice pick you’ve got there?

DK: What? *she looks guilty, tosses away the ice pick in as discreet a manner as this movie deserves* Er… Ah, no. No, not at all.

Greg: Just checking. I’m not really into ice picks.

*Once he’s properly handcuffed, she gets up off him and puts on a robe*

Greg: Hey, what gives? I was gonna score!

DK: Ha ha, no sex for you! Now, I’m going to phone the police and get the credit for having single-handedly caught Greg the mass murderer!

Greg: But, I thought we agreed that I didn’t do it?

DK: No, you made that agreement with the other me.

Greg: You mean, I’ve been working with the evil Karen all this time?

DK: No, stupid, I’m the evil Karen.

Greg: I don’t understand.

DK: Never mind. Just lie there until the police arrive. Now, instead of staying here where I can keep an eye on you, even though this phone is a mobile, I’ll walk into the kitchen and leave you completely unguarded.

Greg: Alright. I promise I won’t try to escape.

*she leaves. Greg escapes*

Greg: Sucka!

*Duplicate Karen hears Amanda on the answering machine, talking about her efforts to find the duplicate. Duplicate Karen picks up the phone, and talks to her, pretending to be Original Karen. She decides to pay Amanda a visit, taking a kitchen knife with her. It is notable that she wears gloves.*

***Meanwhile, Amanda is at her own apartment being Amanda***

Amanda: *putting down the phone* Hey, token boyfriend, Karen says she’ll be a few more minutes before she gets here.

TB: Well, what should we do in the meantime?

Amanda: SEX!!!!

*they jump into bed. Amanda shows her boobies, just in case the viewers didn’t get enough of Karen’s. The doorbell rings in the middle of coital scene. Mid-coit, if you will. Kinda like coi^tal, since that would be the exactly middle. You get the picture*

Amanda: Hey, check out my boobies. And you should go answer the door.

TB: That I shall, but first… A tasteful shot of my bottom for the ladies!

*Token Boyfriend shakes his booty, picks up a towel, and answers the door. Amanda puts on a large t-shirt, covering her boobies and, no doubt, disappointing adolescent male teens world-wide – possibly the only audience that might actually enjoy this film, though why they’d see this instead of a comparatively artistically worthy boob-flick like, say, Private School starring Betsy Russell, is beyond me*

Amanda: Well now I’ll go and check up on my boyfriend, who I’m sure is completely safe and unharmed.

*Amanda goes to check on Token Boyfriend, who she finds stabbed in the gut. Despite the fact that stomach injuries are among the slowest and most painful ways to die known to humankind, he drops dead an instant after looking at her with a stunned puppy-dog face. Then, Duplicate Karen grabs Amanda from behind and slits her throat. Actually, she just kind of nicks it a bit, but the viewer is supposed to assume that her throat was cut quite fully. Amanda drops dead, and the scene takes the viewer by complete surprise because there was absolutely no foreshadowing or anything. And it sure isn’t formulaic at all. Nope.*

***Original Karen returns to her apartment to find Officer Putz and Detective Howser. The latter is still complaining about being in this movie***

Karen: Hey, guys, I’m not in the mood for dealing with this right now.

Howser: You’re not in the mood?! Try being in my shoes. I don’t deserve this. I could have done something worthy, like playing a speechless role in Dodgeball. But, no, my agent has to be a dick.

Karen: Er… What are you doing here, anyway?

Howser: Well, we’re still trying to figure out where Greg the mass murderer could have gotten to. No luck yet – it seems he escaped after you captured him.

Karen: Captured…? Oh! Right! That’s right, I captured him. And then phoned you, because that’s the sort of thing I’d do.

Howser: Now, I’m going to go and post a couple of police officers at the front door of this building for your protection, because that sounds vaguely like something a real Detective would do in this situation. They’ll manage to keep you completely safe, as long as they aren’t somehow killed in the next few hours.

Karen: Great.

*The police leave. Karen sees a message on her machine, and hears Amanda’s voice and part of the conversation she had with Duplicate Karen. She also notices that one of her kitchen knives is missing. She goes to Amanda’s home, sees them dead, sees the bloody knife, and gets upset and scared in a terribly touching, Oscar-worthy scene. Actually, that’s a lie. It’s touching, I guess, but more in a creepy-uncle-I’m-going-to-say-no-then-go-and-tell-someone-I-trust kind of way.*

***Karen returns to her apartment, still upset. Greg arrives.***

Karen: Oh, Greg! It was awful! My best friend is dead, and it was my duplicate that did it! Let’s kiss now!

*they kiss*

Greg: Well, that was nice, but I’m still going to have to kill you.

*Greg reveals himself to be the evil Original Greg, out for revenge against reporter he believes got him arrested*

Karen: No! Won’t someone please help me?

OG: Hahaha! I’m completely evil and unhinged! I’m crazy, but in a completely different way than Old Man Jenkins, who I just killed by shooting him in the back! I also killed the two police officers outside, just in case you hadn’t already assumed!

Greg: Get away from her!

*Duplicate Greg jumps into the apartment. Cue original Star Trek battle music. You know, the track where Kirk’s fighting that lizard-thing on that desert planet, and makes gunpowder and stuff? That one.*

*Original Greg pulls a gun and aims it at Duplicate Greg. Duplicate Greg rips open his shirt, revealing a big “S” symbol underneath. He tackles Original Greg using his super-speed powers to traverse fifteen feet faster than Original Greg can pull the trigger. They tackle each other, and are thrown outside the window. Unfortunately Original Greg grabs a length of kryptonite garden hose and uses it to choke Duplicate Greg.*

*Original Greg hears Officer Putz and Detective Howser approaching from around the corner, inexplicably running without their guns drawn despite the fact that there’s two dead officers and the sounds of struggle close-by. Original Greg leaves his Duplicate still breathing to go kill some more cops*

*Original Greg picks up a length of pipe and clobbers Detective Howser over the head with it. Officer Putz draws his gun and shoots Original Greg dead. Somehow, he misses the presence of the limp, near-dead Duplicate Greg nearby, and presumably the latter slinks off at some point off-camera.*

Officer Putz: *checks Detective Howser, picks up radio* “Officer down, repeat, officer down! Suspect down as well! Need an ambulance immediately!”

Howser: *grumbling* No, let me die… I’ve endured enough…

***Back in the apartment proper, Karen stands around not knowing what to do. At least, not until Duplicate Karen shows up brandishing a knife.***

DK: At last we meet! I understand you’ve been looking for me.

Karen: You ruined my life!

DK: Your life? It’s my life! I’m the one that deserves it! And as soon as you’re out of the way, I can enjoy it!

Karen: Wait… If you were planning to take over my life, why did you do all the things you did?

DK: What do you mean?

Karen: Well, you used a car registered under my identity – which is also yours – to kill Brad. And you killed Amanda and Token Boyfriend with a knife that has two sets of prints on it – Greg’s and mine. Since my prints are presumably the same as yours, the investigation would obviously lead to you. Why were you ruining the life that you wanted to take over?

DK: Um… Er… *tries to think of a good retort. Finally, she stumbles upon one* DIE!!!

*she slashes at Karen in a terribly choreographed fight scene. Karen jumps for the gun dropped by Original Greg, grabs it, and fires at her duplicate’s knees. Just then, there’s a sudden rift in the space/time continuum between the two Karens, which causes the bullet to strike the duplicate’s forehead instead.*

***Scene Change: Karen and Greg are standing on a bridge or something, looking at the view.***

Greg: Well, I guess it’s over.

Karen: Sure is.

Greg: A-yup.

Karen: Mmm-hmm.

Greg: Hey, wanna shack up?

Karen: Sure! If there’s anything I’ve learned through this ordeal, it’s to be more aggressive in life! Just like my murderous double!

Greg: Well, if that means I finally get laid, it works for me!

(thank God it’s) THE END

UPDATE:  I just realized that I'd forgotten to assign this movie its duly appropriate Cute White Rat rating.

In case it wasn't apparent, this movie deserves the shameful rating of half a CWR.  Yes, it's really that bad.




Jesse R enlightened the masses @ 12:06 AM

+++++


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